Saturday, 19 December 2015

I'm getting ready to go out.

I'm getting ready to go out. Out, out, as in dinner and dancing up town. I haven't been dancing in a club for over a year which is slightly concerning since I'm only twenty two but hey I never pretended to be a Party-animal. I've changed and re-changed my dress three times, I've downed two Malibu's already and I'm cursing myself for not practicing my dance moves a bit more recently. Because tonight the guy I have the hugest crush on is going to be there, and for some bizarre reason I'm a bundle of nerves at the thought of dancing with him watching me. I've been texting my best friend as she get's ready and anyone would think I was a college student fantasising about the guy next door, not a grown woman who's biggest crush is her lame is that!

This man has seen me naked, seen me at deaths door (...well with a snotty nose), seen me hammered out of my face (apparently! I don't remember that night but I'm told it happened) This is the only man to have bent me over backwards and knows every flaw, every crease-in quite some detail. I should not be this excited-nervous to go out on the town in my best dress with him. But dinner I can handle, it's the dancing I cringe about. A few more drinks and I'll be fine. ...I hope.
no, I'll be fine. I can handle a few wiggles on the dancefloor. Just don't let me fall on my face!

Friday, 11 December 2015

Girls..."All about the Bass"

It can creep in unexpectedly, at the most random of times, slithering it's way through your entire being: Self Doubt.

I wonder at myself for letting it in, but it's impossible to ignore. Those moments of insecurity arrive and settle in, pouring themselves a drink and laughing at my expense, the uninvited guests at my party.

Suddenly my weight is on the wrong side of the scales, my makeup cannot fix this face, all my clothes that looked fine before seem to now show all the bad bits. I doubt my confidence, I doubt the feelings of my partner, what's he seeing when he looks at me? is it as bad as what I'm seeing right now? Have I been kidding myself during the past times that I've felt happy with myself? Am I overweight? Is my hair too dull? Is my face ugly by the high standards of the day?

At these moments it's easy to turn to the baggy jeans and jumper combination that hides away everything I suddenly feel ashamed of. But I say no.
No to perfection. No to unrealistic ideals [Insert any model in any media medium]

I turn on an emotive song, for example: "All About the Bass" Meghan Trainor
I crank up the volume meanwhile realising I actually know all the words to this one! wow
I dump whatever I'm wearing and slip on some decent underwear, for example: Hot pants and a little help from Anne Summers.
Then...I dance in front of my mirror, half undressed and carefree and what I see is what I get and there's nothing wrong with that because "Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top!".
And I tell myself any man would be lucky to have this because not only am I nice enough, real and well groomed, I'm also a good person who cares. "I see those magazines, working that photoshop, We know that shit aint real, come on and make it stop" It's hard to big yourself up when you're feeling crap, but if I don't do it, I can't expect anyone else to. I have to rely on myself to gain confidence. "I won't be no stick figure, silicone Barbie doll" I'll continue to be real, and continue to fight against myself to believe that this is ok.

Then I finish my boogie and sit down to right this blog because I know there's another woman who's feeling the same tonight.