Weird feeling tonight

I would usually write this sort of thing in my notebook, but this blog has become my notebook. It's 11.09pm and I'm alone in my room. I could have gone out with various groups this evening, gotten smashed out of my face, danced in one of my new dresses, but I wasn't feeling it. It's odd because I have the weekend free and I have more than enough money, I have an unopened bottle of malibu and cans of coke ready but I just had a lull like feeling. But just a minute ago, I had that awful sinking feeling. Like someone just walked over my grave somewhere in the time line. You know the feeling, walking down steps in the dark and you forget one and your foot sinks and so does your stomach. Ooo, shiver, sick. I don't often get that feeling, I'm very much into signs and symbols and the physic ability. These random and rare feelings trouble me. I was just sat here and it happened. It's really bothered me.

Either somethings occurring, or something had happened to me in another life, or my subconscious is nervous about something. So there are some new pathways where bricks are being laid in my life at the moment. I have some things that need to be sorted out, summer is on its way always a time of discovery for me, and I have new people entering my life. Never one for dealing very well with change I am obviously going to be wary. I have told my subconscious this, I know myself I'm easily led, I easily fall into things. Last time I felt like I would burn and die with the pain, I tell people I cried a week before picking myself up but it was longer, it was random and violent and brutal the break downs and the sadness and I swore to myself I'd get every piece of my heart back. They say you should never lock your feelings away, and I'm not. I've just spent months plastering parts of myself back together, I've spent months working to make myself feel worth something again and not just lost and abandoned and not good enough. I have built brick walls around myself and I know it's going to take a while to break through. People can say and think whatever they like but I know myself better than anyone, I know I am strong but I have weaknesses I must protect. I am armoured and cynically and I'm trying so hard to relax. It's just hard. One day at a time, I say it every day. Don't let anything touch you too much, just enjoy what is today and think about tomorrow in the morning. I won't be broken up again. That's all. I'll make sure of it.  

I seriously doubt this alone is causing this sudden feeling. I've pushed open the curtains more and can see the moon clearly. It's low not yet full, a grim stained teeth yellow. It's that moon. I studied Wicca (the art of nature, spells, and physic reading) for years. I recognise a good moon and a bad moon. This is a bad moon. It's a warning moon to passers by, to be watchful this night for demons are rising in the inbetween. I wish my nephew hadn't gone out so late. I want him indoors now he's finally come back for a bit. I've missed him.
A bad moon doesn't mean it's not a powerful one, it's perfect for spells and rituals. It's a clear sky and I could go out wrapped up and do a circle.

It's almost April, the clocks go forward tonight, thats another damn sign! Another inbetween. A short but vivid time shift, a portal of sorts. Time is flying so fast, I find myself wishing for a stop watch right now, just to pause for a moment to catch my breath, to review my situation, I need to breathe and focus and breathe! I have things that I need to focus on, I want to sort out a work placement in a school. I have deadlines looming at university, I'm freaking. I still can't see a way to follow in my book. Grace still hasn't come home.
I'm trying to think about driving, losing weight, money christ I really shouldn't think about money. That's always been my biggest stress factor. Thing is since the Keyholder left, I took a tight hold of my funds and really pulled myself up to stand on my own feet. When everything else crumbled, even my grades for a time, I had my finances settled. I've been budgeting so well, I even expect another set of money from my funds soon, but I've been dancing on top for so many months when I'm used to being down and struggling that I'm certain it won't last. I'm holding onto my finances so tightly, too frightened to let it loose, just in case. I haven't been in my overdraft for months, and I've taken the whole thing off, but still. Even with a bank account of cash I'm just nervous about it. I need to make sure I'm watching it like a hawk. I can't afford to drop now.

My cat isn't here. Another bloody sign. Where's my god damn cat?! If my cat was sat in his usual spot which I can see right now I would be a little more settled, as it is, he's out hunting something or other, under that moon! My nephew is out under that moon. Daffodils have finally opened up now, I saw quite a few today, very pretty, but there's a frost due, the cold will kill them quickly now they're open, got to watch that. This feeling is niggling at me too much.  A simple warding spell should put this feeling at rest. I won't draw the cards, I feel like they'd be jumbled up tonight. I'll get a clearer reading in the morning.
 
I'm going to make some tea, then I'm going to go outside in the garden and do something I haven't done in a while. I'm going to cast a circle, then I'll try and summon my cat. That moon is cloudless, it's waiting. Blessed be.

....it's been about 15 minutes since I finished the above. True to my word I put on my hat and coat, took my supplies, the spell I'd written and a cup of tea outside. I cast my circle, faced the moon and did my little ritual. My cat joined me 3 minutes into it, (that could have been a fluke but it did set the tone) I finished up burning the paper pieces that had made up the spell's focus and dripping a drop of the wax onto my hand to seal the spell. Sprinkled salt by both doors for good measure, and now the wax slice from my hand is on the folded up spell upon my window, a reminder in the most common in-between, to the moon. I came inside with my cat and we've settled in for the night now. Bradley has also arrived home :-)

So yeah I'm weird like that. One of my more private studies but you'd be surprised how into this I actually am.
 

Falling Angel, story passage

 An angel laid upon a bed, suspecting but confident in her own restraint never knowing how easily she’d succumb. A devil of seduction allowed too close, a kiss…a few more. It was never meant to go any further. The first feeling was heat. Skilled hands trailing the fires of hell over an untainted body, kisses rough and soft on bare skin, a somersault of breath over a rapidly beating heart. Air became thick and breathing became a quick effort of forcing oxygen into a bloodstream, suddenly drugged with heat. Overpowering, unexpected, a burst of hot molten desire ran like warm wine down her throat, over her naval to the passage of intimacy between her opening legs. Another surge of fire, she was on fire, her skin was burning. If she’d worn her cross it would have stung her sinful skin, it might have strangled her delicate neck. Instead soft hands cupped her throat with powerful dominance, spanning out and roaming down, across every inch of her frame. More, more, more…the words rang like church bells echoing almost spilling from her lips, being bitten viciously to hold them back. What did escape were wanton unfamiliar sounds let free from some wicked fairy caught on breathless waves. With the heat came the mist; a fog of sorts over her once clear eyes. It settled in her throat caging protest, like a drug in her veins, her limbs grew heavy. Her spine arched without control, her fingers clutched at fabric in an attempt to hold onto reality, to not slip, too late the mist carried the angel off, delirious, unconscious of thought. More, more, more. Thrumming, throbbing, wings as damp now as the place between her legs, so wet like summer rain, a rain of kisses on her breasts, more, more, more.

A vague and distant protest tried to break through, somewhere was a voice spitting ‘whore’ ‘too much’ ‘stop it now’ ‘it’s going to far’ ‘you’re letting yourself fall, stop falling!’ …’Oh but it feels so good, so different. I want to be your whore’

Forsake the lord and his kingdom,

I have sinned, I am the devils subordinate

I cannot step where I am forbidden,

So lead me Devil into temptation.

Carry me over the coals of hell

For my angel feet cannot pass through

Catch me, carry me and I’ll let you.

You can face the lord, tell him that I fell.

Poor angel, ignorance has been your downfall, muttering and whispering to Christ as you lay there but he did not answer, he let you slip away. No one could have explained, you never really knew, no boy could have shown you this; it took a man to make you feel like a woman. My wings are heavy, the angel thought, I don’t want to leave this hell fire bed. I want to burn through and through. I want to know how to make you burn too.

“Fall angel, fall and I will catch you.”

 

Angel sits on a cloud, a flushed face of shame, when did you become so wanton? How could you have let it go so far? Naughty angel! Showing a side of herself so quickly, so openly, a side she didn’t know about. A true virtuous angel would feel regret, but no, sinful fallen angels relish in their hellish discovery of pleasure; they run back and back again into the arms of the devil. You’re a fallen angel. You still want more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gothic horror. Vampire

So along with Intimate scenes I'm also experimenting with horror/thriller/scary. Never been my strong point, or natural to me so I'm determind to work on this genre. This was a first attempt, I admit it's not great but there's sort of a good idea behind it that I might develop eventually.

I am nothing

 

 

 Charles’ body had been found, his throat ripped out; Anna shuddered along with the other ladies who pressed their bodies against the door listening to the gentlemen on the other side.

“It’s an animal of some sort, no other explanation. The poor chap, he should never have been wandering across the moors on his own.”

“Come now Berty, there haven’t been wolves in England for years.”

“The point is something’s out there and we’re going to have to double the watches on the life stock, and tell the women they’re not to go out alone on the moors or anywhere else, they’re restricted to the grounds.”

Anna having heard enough slipped away only to instantly be faced with Thornton Worth, a rich and handsome man who paid her attentions daily. Her friends couldn’t understand Anna’s reluctance to be paid court by such an eligible bachelor and Anna couldn’t deny that Thornton fascinated her, excited her even, but there was also something dark about the man that frightened her. She caught him looking at her sometimes with hunger that went beyond the usual lust of a young man.

“Good day Miss Rivington.”

“Have you heard about Charles?” Anna replied without the usual formalities.

“Yes, sad news.”

Anna never had much to say to Thornton, she couldn’t explain it. She wanted to run from him but then felt unable to move. She wished she could avoid him but it anguished her when he turned and walked away. If this was the beginning of an attachment that would turn to marriage and love, then she didn’t like it much. Excusing herself she hurried along the corridor knowing that he would be watching her with that desperate look.

Nancy, a young French maid who was straining to learn English caught her arm and Anna was startled by the look in her eyes.

“Take care Miss.” she whispered in scattered English “He’s no good for you, c’est un monster.”

“Nancy, what on earth do you mean?”

“He’ll ruin you.” Nancy hurried off and Anna felt unsure what to make of the maids strange remarks.

Despite being nineteen Anna still found that she was scared enough by the day’s events to be unable to sleep. Wandering downstairs in the dark she hoped to put her mind at rest but instead found David, the groomsman dead on the floor half way in the open doorway. His neck was a gash of scarlet, his eyes rolled back. Anna screamed alerting the gentlemen who were still up playing cards, they came rushing in and cursing and calling out, ushered Anna away. Stumbling back up the stairs, Anna dashed across the corridor and flew into Thornton’s arms who came suddenly from the shadows.

“Oh Thornton, it’s awful. There’s another killing, right outside the door.”

“Alright calm down.” Thornton stroked Anna’s hair gently “The men will take care of it.” Quickly Thornton stashed his blood covered jacket away as he led Anna into an empty room. She was so upset she didn’t notice. Softly he soothed Anna’s nerves and she clung to his arms inhaling the scent of him. It was a while before Anna became conscience of her near naked state, her night dress was thin and wispy, the laces half unravelled. Thornton stared down at her with that same hunger and Anna found her pulse was thrumming a rapid beat. Hesitantly Thornton bent his head to kiss her. Anna kissed back with a passion she didn’t know existed and when Thornton lifted her skirts and her legs up around him she didn’t fight him. By the time Anna realised in a hazy state that her virtue would soon be lost it was too late to stop.

Anna was woken by the maids shuffling about outside and she sat up to find herself alone in the room. It wasn’t yet light and she quickly rose at first she didn’t notice the bloody jacket stuffed behind the arm chair, and it wasn’t until she heard the maids talk outside that fear lurched in Anna’s belly.

“They’re saying it was no animal what did it. That it was a man, a monster.”

“Well you know what Nancy says, and she’s psychic about these things. She’s saying that it’s obvious. Who turned up on twelfth night and when did the killings start. Who hasn’t got any living relatives and who’s got the eyes of a hundred year old man but the body of a young one? Who’s been stalking the masters daughter, looking at her like a piece of meat.”

“Mr Worth.” The other maid exclaimed

“Exactly! A man with no past and no alibi for the killings. A man who’s always out walking or riding in the middle of the night. Not afraid of nothing he aint.”

“but what of the masters daughter?”

“well she’s beautiful isn’t she, and from a real old family line. And Nancy says it’s breeding season. If he’s what she says, he’ll be wanting to spawn.”

“What does she think he is?”

“An old demon. A vampire.”

Anna tried to laugh at the maids talk but she couldn’t. She tried to cast it away from her mind but it lingered there. A hand on her flat belly she wandered if they’d made a child last night. Then she saw the blood stained jacket and almost fainted.

It wasn’t until that evening that Anna saw Thornton again. He rode into the courtyard looking immaculate and he smiled a secret smile at her. Anna had heard it from her mother that Thornton had asked fathers permission to marry her, and everyone had congratulated her. Nancy though had shook her head sadly and snatching a moment alone with Anna had begged her to see sense trying to shove a little book into Anna’s hands.

“He’ll ruin you. If he has not done already.” She gasped looking pointedly at Anna’s laced corset. “Indeed is that not a babe of a demon in your belly I sense growing.”

Anna retched herself away from Nancy and told her to mind her rotten tongue and know her place. Nancy had said a prayer a loud for her and ran off. Anna slammed the door angrily telling herself it was all silly superstitious lies. That was the last time she saw Nancy alive.

The little French maid was found dead and cold by the cook, near the gates clutching a little silver cross that was around her neck. The other servants wept and some prayed while others said God hadn’t saved her so there was little point in praying to him now. Anna cried too and then upon entering her room found a little black bible on her bed that wasn’t her own. Inside was an inscription written in French, Anna made it out from her school french: My Dear Nancy, let this be the one book that guides you as you make your way in life. Let the lord lead you. Your loving mother.

Inside the book was a folded piece of paper ripped from a book. It was handwritten as if from a journal and dated 1705,

The creatures are dying out now, starving to death. In the north of Scotland they were born from demons that mated with the villagers here. They survive in the cold and the bleak, feeding upon blood. Growing from babies into mature never ending beings. They live forever. They live among us, but we have singled them out. Few have escaped, one; still young a boy, named Thornton. He was faster than the others, stronger, we believed him to be the new alpha male, he’s escaped and we cannot track him.

Anna looked up with tears running down her face, she felt sick. Standing before her was Thornton half hidden in shadows, she hadn’t heard him come in.

“What is this?” Anna asked and Thornton sighed heavily

“I wanted to tell you myself, explain in gently after we were married. That’s a page from this journal. Nancy must have gotten a hold of it I found it in the servant’s room.”

“It’s yours?”

“It belonged to a man named Gregory Evans, he specialised in studying, tracking and hunting my kind. When he died I took this, it’s contents is too dangerous.”

“It’s dated a hundred years ago.”

“Yes.”

Anna shook her head disbelieving.

“You’re a monster. They’ll kill you when they know.”

Thornton smiled a little “They could try. Anna in time you’ll come to except this, and what you’ll become.”

“I’m not becoming anything!” Anna cried “especially not your wife.”

“You have no other choice. You’re already mine, and you carry my child.”

“You can’t be sure of that.”

“Oh but I can. I can sense it, just like you can.”

Anna flung herself past Thornton and called out to a passing maid

“Where’s my father?”

“Both your parents have set out back to town in the carriage madame.”

“What! Without me.”

“Mr Worth assured them you’d both be following in an hour or two after them.”

Anna wasted no time rushing down the stairs, Thornton leisurely followed her down as Anna threw on her cloak.

“Don’t act in haste Anna.” Thornton said “There’s no point in running from me.”

Anna ran out not listening to him and was upon her horse in minutes riding out at full speed. Thornton shook his head wishing she’d just listen to him. Instead now he had to follow her and change her before she found anyone and let the world believe she had ran mad.

It was like the darkness was against her, Anna quickly became lost on the forest path that her parent’s carriage had taken and the night fell. Dismounting Anna tried to find her bearings but the fear her horse sensed sent it bolting away through the trees. Finally she made her way onto a clearer path but sobbed in fear when she saw the blood.  There was blood everywhere. It was splattered on the ground coating every dried leaf and twig in sight. It dripped from the branches of the haggard and warped trees that hung over one another, their leafy claws reaching out. Anna whipped around frantically looking for a means of escape. She stumbled on through the forest everything looking more daunting and sickly. She bumped into a tree, branches reached out for her and grabbed her hair as she tore away only to nearly trip over a dark object on the floor. White dead eyes stared up at her from a dead dear it’s throat cut and bleeding, deep claw marks in it’s back. Anna’s scream pierced the air and bounced off the trees travelling on the wind to another part of the wood where evil lurked.

 

    His skin shone, his eyes black and at the echo of Anna’s voice his handsome head whipped around. Like a racing dog Thornton sprinted through the trees at an unnatural pace. Deliberately slowing down to savour the chase, give her time to run a bit further. He wouldn’t lose her now, the scent was hot in his nose. Fangs began developing inside his mouth and Thorn’s black eyes dilated to fill his eyes with pure darkness turning them into endless holes. Her scent was everywhere, her dress, the velvet bodice, her rose water perfume, her hair, natures imprint on her skin where she had touched the forest. The blood. As he got closer Thorn heard the hysterical beating of her heart, he smiled. The faster her heart the warmer her blood would feel as it gushed into his mouth. Just enough to change her that was all. Just so his venom could travel through her veins.

 

      There she was shivering in the cold. She was beautiful, her hair swept up, ringlets tumbling down around her face as they escaped the pins that held it up. Soon she wouldn’t feel the cold, or pain, or death. Thorn knew she was scared but what he did now he did for love.

  “Anna?”

Anna spun around her face filled with terror.
  “It was you again wasn’t it? You killed that animal, it’s blood was everywhere.”

  “If you’ll just listen to me.”

  “No!” she cried. “Stay away from me. I trusted you, but you killed Charles as well and the groom and Nancy. They were all found butchered they said, tossed aside.” Her hatred of him burned through her and he could feel it, but he’d have the rest of forever to make her love him.

  “Anna I love you, what I am doesn’t matter, you’ll understand after.”

  “I don’t even know what you are.” Anna began before staring wide eyed at him. “What do you mean after? After what? I’m not with child, I know I’m not.”

“It’s not just that. You’ll be one of my kind after a few seconds, it won’t even hurt. It will feel like last night.”

Thorn started towards her but she turned and ran. He was behind her in a second grabbing her wrists and holding her.

  “Anna please” Thorn begged, his voice was pleading.

  “No, help! Help me…”

  “It wont hurt, you’re going to live for eternity. You’ll be with me. You said you loved me last night when you were sleeping, you will again.”

  “No please, please…”

Holding her head in his hands, Thorn nuzzled into Anna’s neck as would a lover, he didn’t want to frighten her more so he kept his fangs in the shadow as they grew, she shuddered but her strength to push him away had sunk with her heart.

  “I love you” Thorn whispered before sinking his fangs into her neck.

 

       When Anna woke she found herself sprawled upon the forest ground, she was alone. Scrambling to get up she smelt a rabbit, a few feet away burrowed down in a hole near a tree. Up in the tree was a squirrel on a nest of birch twigs with it’s offspring. She couldn’t see any of this but Anna knew, she could smell it. What’s happened to me she thought desperately. Anna began walking through the forest, she found herself out of the trees and on the fields within seconds. The cruel wind slashed at her skin, Anna’s bare shoulders were hunched as she held herself and her long skirts whipped around. Poisonous tears ran down her face. Nothing was still, the very black heart within her was shaking, fingers numb with pain that was an agonizing pleasure. Every leaf on the trees screamed out diamond shattering cries for the cold to leave them alone. Anna had not even the comfort of warm red blood running through her veins, it was now tainted with venom and ran cold. I have nothing but the memories of the disgrace I have now become she thought solemnly the words of Gregorys diary haunting her, how he had described the beasts of the north. Nothing gives off the glow of love, nothing presents happiness, nothing is alive, nothing has the mercy of death. More tears trickled down her cheeks. And the reality is, I am nothing. 

 Thorn appeared from behind the trees, “One day she will understand” he murmured half to himself, half to the forest that bowed to him in sadness at what he had done, then Thorn walked towards Anna and took her hand.

Wordcount: 2550

 

 

Mother don't read this. Another Intimate scene. -Self pleasure

Seriously mother get the hell off my blog, and don't read what you don't approve of. This is not the place for you to be.

 

 So this is a bit darker/hotter than the last one, but my writing teacher thinks it's near impossible to write intimate scenes that actually work. Fifty Shades begs to differ. I read a mills and boon book lately that inspired this passage, it's the same sort of scene but I made it modern day, so I am going on literature knowledge, if it's utter rubbish and doesn't do the job I apologise, and seriously f.book me your experiences or something to see if I can get a real perspective to write about. Oh and Alex- I have not had sordid fantasies about you dude, I just love the name you've heard me say so before lol.

Self Pleasure

 

Catherine was giggling at a passage in her book, Alexander heard her and opening the door peeked in. She looked delicious, lying on her front, legs bare and kicking in the air, she had a top on and knickers, and socks he suppressed a laugh not very well. Catherine looked round and frowned but her face flushed,

“Don’t you knock?” she demanded making no attempt to cover her bare thighs

“Nope, not when the scene is so inviting.” Alex watched Catherine bite her lip a little before turning back to her open book.

“Go away, I’m reading.”

“One of those dirty books again?”

“No!” she cried indignantly-it was

“Bet it is.” He laughed and subtly flicking the lock silently he moved over to her. She ignored him as he leaned down and read over her shoulder, a particularly hot passage and he laughed. “I knew it.”

“It’s romance.” She justified

“Like hell. There’s only one reason girls read books like that, to get off.”

“You’re disgusting.” She meant it too, he was, but she liked it all the same. Alex sat watching her as she tried to continue reading; she was warm from the book, warm from his gaze and wished he’d leave.

“What do you use Cathy?” he murmured after a minute

“I don’t know what you mean.”-She did

“Come on tell me, I’d like to know so I can imagine you doing it.” He grinned down at her and started listing possibilities, “A toy maybe? I don’t see that about you, just your fingers?” still no reaction from her “some women I’ve known grind themselves up something, is that more on the right track?” biting his tongue to stop laughing Alexander watched the blood red flush rise up the back of her neck and stain her cheeks, bingo! She may act the lady and in her innocence she was, but she was as wanton as a brothel whore, that’s why she read those books. “So that’s it, you rub yourself subtly against something…your hand? This bed?”

“Alexander I’m not discussing this.”

“You’re not reading either. I can see your eyes have been on that same sentence this whole time.” By now he’d moved to lie beside her and pressed closer under the pretence of reading the page. Catherine felt the warm strength of his body and did the best to ignore it.

“Go away.”

“Not a chance.” Alex scooped up a handful of her hair and pushing it aside lay his mouth on her skin, so softly he dragged his lips over her and reluctantly Catherine’s eyes drifted closed. Her hands became loose on the book but Alex tutted “look at how easily you lose concentration” he teased “go on, read aloud to me.” Catherine tried to breathe normally and began reading but the effort was too much, her skin was tingling and when she reached a dirty word her voice choked and Alex’s hands came around her possessively. “You know, it’s much more fun when someone helps you along.” He said seductively and Catherine let the book drop resting her head against its cover.

“What are you going to do?”

“I want to see how you make yourself come, I’m going to watch you.”

“No!” she cried out, she was not letting him see her like that.

“Oh yes you are, I’ll help you. Here…” taking a small throw cushion he brought it between her legs, “let’s wedge this under you and you’ll have a little more to feel then.”

“No, Alex, I can’t”

“Yes you can.” Alex pushed the cushion beneath her and still running his hands up her bare legs he moved up to her lace covered bum and pressed her down, Catherine gasped at the tingle she felt from the pressure between her legs and Alex held himself above her helping her along. She tried resisting a few times but finally the seduction was too much and she rocked her hips and felt the pleasure rising, her rear end pressed up into Alex’s crotch with each movement and he felt her body growing hotter, it was heating him through. Catherine bit into the bed covers and muffled her noises and he moved away as she came, afterwards Catherine looked tumbled and tousled and embarrassed. Alex tried not to laugh but failed, he wondered if there was anything he couldn’t get her to do, she was his to lead.

“I can’t believe I did that.” She looked mortified at her own desire

“I knew you would, you’re not so reserved as you act sometimes.”

“You’re a jerk!” –he was

Alex laughed again, his own need still throbbing in a hard almost painful way in his jeans. Getting up he tossed the  pillow aside and grinned down at Catherine still looking confused and dazed. “Where are you going?” she demanded. Alex leant down slowly and kissed her surprisingly gentle,

“I’m going back to my room, I’m going to think about what you just did for me, and I’m going to wank over you.”

Catherine made a noise of disbelief

“Come and have me!” she called out suddenly desperate as he reached the door, Alex smiled to himself. He had her.

“Not yet sweetheart.”