Thursday 21 November 2013

love and a lack of

It's very nice to feel like a man really loves you and is willing to take care of you, especially when the man whose biologically programed to care for you acts like an asshole most of the time. No love, no support not even gratitude or pride. Even when I'm in a state of agony, drugged up and more ill than I can remember being in my adult life, even then there's nothing but selfishness and the quick ability to brush me off.

I've suffered with rheumatoid arthritis since I was very young, this means that any time I get sick, or hurt or even just need to take certain medications, effects me harder than other people. You'd think someone who's watched you grow up with this affliction and heard you scream in pain and driven you to the hospital a hundred times would feel some sort of affection and compassion for you when you're clearly suffering and struggling. I know my mother loves me, she's obsessed with reminding me, but I often wonder if my dad would even notice if I were dead. Sounds rather dramatic but its true. Perhaps on some psychological level this is why I crave a strong male figure to be a part of my life. Jones is so most definitely the one. Someone I can depend on a little.

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