Sunday, 28 July 2013

Dear Heart, bad dream

Oh no I'm drowning, help I can't swim
I've cried so much, I'm drowning from within.
I am but a heart, in pieces now
I can't fight the waves
"Steady now heart, it's alright, be brave be brave"
I can't, I'm dying, it hurts
I've lost my beat, my everything.
"Stop sweet heart, wake up wake up
it's only a dream, wake up my heart."
Not my mistresses voice I hear,
but one entirely different,
warm hands pulling me near
"Steady now heart, you beat for me now
I won't let you drown, you should know
I won't be giving you up, I wont let you go"

little bird poem

There's a damaged creature over there
kept locked in a gilded cage
poor thing it's almost at it's end
and at such a young age.
poor thing it's wings are bent back so
it's eyes a dull cried out shade
the little thing once flew you know
but now see how she fades.

The cage was opened one day
the bird gently taken in his hands
he put the feathers back in their place
and see now how the little bird stands.

Saturday, 27 July 2013

My funeral poem

I do not lie where you think
I do not rest in peace
Why have you rivers down your cheek?
Smile my darlings, do not weep.
It is but a passing that we each must cross
Where we go from here I know not
But do not mourn for this vessel of mine
Do not waste life
I am walking with the keeper of time 
I am passing into the next life.
Don't sit here at my marking I do not linger here
Waste not, no adornments of false cheer

I am the breeze that smells the lavender on a warm summer morning
I am the tide cool on the sand rushing, my voice is the sea calling
I am the leaf in the tree, watching the seasons go past
I am in the magic of every spell you might cast.
Sorrow is a disease, not worthy of us
Joy is where I am, honour, passion, lust
These are the moments that matter
Waste not in colours of black
Black is for the miserable and for me I am not that.
Live and live well, we have such little time
Do not waste live, and do not mourn mine

Empty space. Poem

There's an empty space inside
A shell with no life
Something that should have been mine, 
Has swept away like time.
A vessel of protection I had for you
I was your guardian, that you couldn't see
So why did you leave me
Why did I lose you?
Washed away like sand in a tide
Why? Why didn't you stay inside?

      This Poem is not from my personal experience, but it wrote so easily and I felt so strongly about it. It's short and so brutal but it's one of my favourites that I've ever written. It's the saddest thing I've ever written. No matter how early or late a woman loses a baby makes no difference, because she felt that she was a mother from the moment she knew she was pregnant. My heart goes to anyone who suffers this heartbreak.

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Bee poem

You don't move, you don't breathe
The heat has been too much
I watched you struggle from flower to flower
Into every bud, I thought you must rest a while
But the bee does not stop
I watched you drift in the air, your wings look heavy now
I watched you fall, to the ground. I watch you die upon the ground

Sunday, 21 July 2013

Sunday morning poem

Morning is silence here, waking is a quiet matter
Steaming kettles perhaps the clink of a teaspoon
Jam on buttered cooked bread
Today's clothes laid out ready
Sleepy eyed, making the bed
And then the bells start ringing
Their beautiful sing song of the day
They echo to every window, beckoning the town to pray
Sunday morning here is a quiet affair, 
Until the church bells ring, in the church over there. 

Saturday, 13 July 2013

wheel of fortune has spun around

So the wheel of fortune has spun back around in my favour :-) I passed my exam! I'm still a student and progressing to third and final year of university, I'll be getting my degree and all is well.
Then amazingly I got the job I applied for...I will soon be leaving the hot and hard job of a waitress to be moving onto a clothes shop closer to home and easier on the hours. So much for taking a step back in regard to my ever increasing feelings towards my wolf, I'm in too much of a relieved mood to care about where this might end up. I have so much to think about in September, September has always been a good time. It's the fresh start, it's the new beginning, new pencil cases and new goals. September everything falls into place for a while until Christmas.
It's been a year that I've worked as a waitress and that's now coming to an end
It's been over half a year since I cut my puppet strings and became a better brighter light bulb burning on my own.
Time is definitely flying by, that was the last time I let myself stress to the point of sickness. This last year I'll be prepared, always.

I stopped dreaming about the sea, but the feeling of suffocation will come back, it always does. but its not long now before I can choose where I'm taking myself and my life. Come with me if you will, but that's a ball that will be in your court when the time comes. I follow only one thing: My instinct

Wednesday, 10 July 2013

A broken wing poem

A broken wing, poor thing, how long will you last?
With a broken wing you're fading fast.
No support I can offer will heal such hurt
And yet your eyes so bright and alert
You know poor one, it is hopeless 
You lay your head down in defeat
With a broken wing, you are so weak.
I'll wait with you till morning comes
You've already given up
A broken wing is the end
For you, wings were everything.

Fly now. Bluebird poem.

Fly sweet one, spread your wings now
No time to squander, no time for doubt
The window is open but a moment little one
Fly now, fly now or the chance will have gone.
Gone as the wind that breezed by just now
Gone as the sun that drifts slowly without
Without you little one, fly now, fly now.

The chance is soon to be out of reach
As is the sky if you do not this prison breech
Now little one, the moment is passing by
Fly sweet one, you're as blue as the sky
Fly now, fly now, I whisper goodbye
You soar and you merge into the blue of the sky
For a moment, but one moment 
I wish I were you, and that you were I. 

hard to hold back

When I said I wanted to put my emotions a step or two back I meant it.
I just don't understand why it's so bloody hard to hold back. From the start this randomer has drawn everything out of me, extracting piece by piece with precision. I never meant for that conversation to go further than one night, nor for that first date to go so well or that I'd talk so much, I'm usually so quiet, or to give up my virginity in a few weeks like some pagan sacrifice! I didn't mean to fall in so deep, if at all! and this is all still exceedingly frustrating.

I enjoy everything too much. Not just a general spending time with this person sort of thing, but listening to every word, loving every simple touch, I'm still not used to the way things are now.  I knock things over and it doesn't matter. I ramble on and he listens intently. I'm granted plenty of attention, I'm allowed space when I want it...I'm basically a well pampered animal. All the things over the years I learnt to be my faults that I tried to box away, they're what makes up the real me and I don't have to try and edit out anything from myself anymore. Which is great but it's also hard to get used to. The more I spend time with him the more of myself comes out and he doesn't seem to mind. It makes me question how long was I actually pretending to be someone I wasn't, and why did I ever lower myself to such standards.

I miss him on an hourly rate, just a general can't wait till I can see and touch again. I never missed anyone like that before. Its like I'm on sodding life support, and seeing him is my daily intake of an oxygen supply. Damn it I was supposed to be trying to reign in my ever falling emotions.

Sunday, 7 July 2013

Hot weather

I don't mind the sun, I don't mind being hot, I just hate sweating and feeling dirty. I like clean and fresh, so sue me, I am complaining about the hot weather. If it was cool to walk around in nothing but a thong and bikini top everywhere, I'd have less to complain about, as it is, I'm fed up of having to wear clothes. What I'm really trying to say is I would totally be a nudist. What country do nudists live in?

I know why i lost my temper the other day. poem

Thunder in the rain
I know why I lost my temper the other day
It's because I saw you, I looked right at your face
blunt scissors at my wrist couldn't have stung more
 lighter and oil, like poison in my vein
reminding me of agony, the kitchen floor, pain,
every memory like a tear burning down my face
all that time, all those years, such a waste.
such a damn waste!
I saw you and I felt sick, choking on a breath
all the times I crumbled, all the times I wept
for you, you bastard, you weren't worth the time
you were worthless, you were never really mine
Everything I closed away came flooding back so fast
it hurt like hell to watch you walk past
all those nights I cried myself to sleep
missing my best friend
wishing I'd been good enough to keep
I was drowning right then, in memories of the past.
What if it happens again, that's all I could think
what if this pain is waiting in sleep
what if it's coming back, coming back to hurt me.
If he walks away like you did before
how will I fix my heart, when I love him more.
the fear was like water, filling my lungs
it haunted me all day, it rocked me to and fro
drowning in the pain of yesterday,
screaming with the fear of tomorrow.
Fear makes me suffocated,
I ran away instead of toward
I left him standing at the door
because the memory you gave me hurt,
and I'm scared of loving him this much more.

Why do you have to do that?

Shit why do you have to do that? Is it a man thing? Because I sure as hell don't know how to do it, how to say a few words or give a look or give a stroke that sends whatever soul is inside me quivering like crazy. Right when I know I'm in too deep and need to reach the shore you do something that pulls me in deeper. It's just going too fast ok! I never felt this much this quickly before, and years can fly by without you realising its wrong, this doesn't feel wrong but that doesn't stop me being cynical now.
I don't like the way I've become now. 8 months ago I was a walk around fairy tale, sickening with my Disney outlook on everything, but I was told a long time before that, a ton of bricks would hit me one day, and it did, it hurt. I felt the brutal harshness of reality and it's burned into me now. I can't help that a when is now an if, a yes is now a maybe, a definite is now a probably not. I'm not saying my belief in true love died, I still believe in love and sometimes it can last, but I'm hardened now. I'm prepared for it to end, to burn out and to crumble. I was turned into a cynic, but that will hopefully protect me in the future. I care about him much more than the last one, that's the truth of it, and that freaks me out. I hate weakness, and love feels like weakness.

A step back

When I say claustrophobic I don't just mean a fear of being put in a small space, I can feel closed in by life, by my own issues, and by my feelings. If I feel that something is getting the better of me I feel suffocated, imprisoned and that's what I don't like. I was so determined that I'd remain in control, I told myself that feelings could be a choice, I could choose how much to give and how much to take back. Give a little and take it back, that was the plan. I was going to be ruthless and in command, and it would be someone else's heart that risked getting hurt this time, not mine, not ever again. But that resolution slipped out of my hands at some point, and I've only realised this now.

Well I wont have it. I don't have puppet strings to cut anymore, but I've been given wings and I can fly away. I need my emotions to step back for their own good, just put your hands out and break the fall before you get damaged. I wish I could see how I let this happen, when love became deeper than I was at all ready for. Well I'm stepping back now. Just a little, because I'm not ready to throw my heart down a deep dark drain again, not for it to be smashed up at the bottom. I just want to be in control, so I know it wont hurt as badly again.

Saturday, 6 July 2013

Heart speaks aloud

Careful now, as you hold me in your hand
gently does it, I'm afraid I can't stand
I was once broken, into many pieces you see
but she put me back together, she let me free
now you've come and who'd have known
that you would steal me, and take me home.
but careful now, don't drop me
I'm too weak to hit the floor
it's too late for her, but don't let me fall.
I'll beat for you, if you hold me close
but don't let me catch dust, don't smash me around
I'm too delicate to once more be crushed down.
if you grow wary of carrying me around
be gentle, and lay me carefully on the ground
easy does it, that's it, be soft as you put me down
I was once hurt so badly
another fall and she wont mend me
gently now when you want rid of me
wrap me up carefully and hand me back
but don't crush me up, don't you break me
I just wont recover from that.

I fell poem

my fortress it crumbled
my soliders; they fell
I was left unguarded
and then I too, fell
you did not give me a fighting chance
you rained fire on my battle field
and then took what was mine
and I failed, I did yield
"take my faith, for God is silent
take my virtue, it is merely first blood
take from me the spoils of war,
extinguish my light,
but one thing I beg of you to leave
for my heart, I shall fight."
My words they fell like my war
they fell and broke like shells
you took my most precious jewel
you took my beating heart
and took me back to hell.
In replace you gave me wings
but its my heart that breaks so easily
when did I stop fighting?
when did I let you take from me,
what I had once sworn to protect
what I'd mended, what was then free
Now it beats for you, and not for me
no faith, no honour, no loyalty
I was meant to protect it, I failed myself
my fortress fell, my soldiers fell
and then at the end, I too fell.

Being in love, too much. I swore this wouldnt happen

I swore to myself well over half a year ago now that I would never let myself fall so deeply again that I'd lose focus and control, I was so adamant that I wouldn't let myself ever become vulnerable like that again, because frankly the pain of being abandoned by your best friend is just too raw and too real an agony to face twice. I said I would remain in control, and always one step back, I wouldn't throw myself to the wind but stay steady and strong and withdrawn to an extent. I wasn't going to fall fully in love again, I would be the one who loved less and held back. I broke my own promise to myself and I cant quite figure out when this happened. Loving someone and knowing you're incomplete without them are two very different things, I was perfectly happy and content to feel myself in love and loved back, but this...this god awful burning like I've lived my whole life with him and not realised it, well it's pissing me off. This is a deeper sort of love than I was prepared for. I swore I wouldn't let this happen, I never wanted to lose focus and let myself become so attached that I risked the pain of not being good enough to keep again. If I could freeze-frame the last so many months and pick out the moments that past me by but clearly impacted on my heart I would scrutinise them until I saw what the hell has brought me to this.

I can't believe I was so desperately serious about holding back myself and my feelings just for love to get the better of me anyway. I didn't allow this! I don't want to be so much in love I can hardly think about anything else, I don't want to feel this lost just because I'm spending one day without him, it's not right to miss someone that much!! Some idiots think its soppy and cute, and what makes a romance, it's not! it's awful and I know it's too late to change it. The fear of falling has never scared me, it's the fear of hitting the cold hard ground and being left alone to bleed out that's really plaguing my mind. Is love supposed to make you feel this out of control? How did you let this happen Siviter? I swear a week or maybe more ago you were in control, and you were still if, and maybe, and perhaps, and you were withdrawn, not to a noticeable degree but still we knew we could walk away and be ok. that's gone now. I'd rather have my wings ripped out than walk away of my own choosing. I've definitely gone overboard, and I can't swim. At some point you've handed yourself over like a sacrifice waiting to be slaughtered...forever is just a word, and words mean nothing but the value the listener puts to them, which is not always on level with the giver, words mean nothing.  I guess I still feel like I'm not good enough to keep. Maybe that feeling will stay with me the rest of my life.

Watching you sleep

I watch you sleep for a little while of every morning I'm here.
You're softly asleep and yet don't feel my gaze
Nor the hunger that burns in it
I watch you sleep, not a line on your face
The world doesn't touch your soul too much
In sleep you are sculptured; a statue with the subtlest pink hue 
In sleep you are perfection and I envy you
Lashes so dark and when they flutter I wonder if you dream
Do you dream but not remember always of me?
I wish I could brand myself into your head so when you lay down
It's me you wish you were lying down instead
You are the life form of a god from centuries past
Marked with the warrior symbols of stories yet untold
It's hard to wake such a perfect image 
And yet it's hard to be awake alone

Thursday, 4 July 2013

Life paths

I can't really say I regret my choices because it's been those choices that have eventually led me to you, but I do think we're much bigger than anything else, everything else is just a cog in the clock but me and you are the hands, pointing in different directions at times, coming together at others, I was always looking for you I just didn't have a face or a name to put to the character in my heart. I would have found you no matter what, and at any time I'd have given up anything to make you mine. When I'm going over things in my head it's only us that I'm really honestly over the fence sure about.

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

ramblings about my book

There comes a point when writing a particular type of book when one questions how good the good character is, or if in fact the good character is the bad character and the bad character therefore must become the good character to juxtapose against the now once good but actually bad character, if in that case the previous bad character suddenly becomes the favourite and we have to decide whether its all a switch up and we've been conned for the entirety of the first book or if this is merely a turn of events that will work itself out but somebody must be bad, somebody has to be good and the we cant have the protagonist with an asshole, that much is certain. -The ramblings in my head about my book.