Monday, 25 July 2016

I'm stressed poem.

I'm stressed.
Pulled taut as a hairband ready to split.
The ability to shake this clutter of thoughts
has vanished with the broken promise to keep shut up.
Shut up were these wishes, in a cupboard where the door's now ajar.
Shut up I have been a time too often here
Within these four walls, where the mould and cold creeps in
not another winter, will I put myself through this.
A coiled spring, rusty with grief
pulled taut now
awaiting relief.

Friday, 8 July 2016


I've had something new on my mind all evening. It's sort of like a seed that's taken root but I'm refusing to water it, as if daring the plant to shrivel and die before it grows anything substantial.

I don't want to feel gleeful over something so difficult. But it's hard not to keep thinking about it. You can want something so badly that everything else seems insignificant and that one dream feels achievable. I just want to feel at peace. My peace has been destroyed so rapidly I'm waiting to wake up and feel normal again. Instead of walking across a tight rope of pent up emotions.

Things like this don't really feel achievable. I'm just kidding myself. Too nice an idea to be realistic. For so long these thoughts have been wispy dreams and I don't think they will ever happen overnight, or for quite some time unfortunately.

God, I'm so unsettled.

I've lost all motivation for anything right now.

Grace poem 08.07.16

Are you there?
It's all falling down around me
just like you said it would
and I am sat here crazy
bottling it all up.
I can't feel you around me
because I don't feel myself
I've lost sense of so much
manuscripts stacked on a shelf.
The Pond has been gone so long
and I miss it, but I miss you even more
sometimes now I forget what it was like
when it was just us.

You know what we've been through
you remember how it feels
to be here all alone
amidst the cold, the fleas, the mould
feeling so cut off, lost in this world
born into a situation, out of our control.
I thought we'd be away by now
you and me and a pen
I fancied us on a train ride, rolling through England
feet in the sea, or a field somewhere.

I had it all worked out
even though plans changed
I knew you didn't like it,
but I did it all anyway.
Everything was just fine
but I remember what you said to me
You said "Give it Time.
It never lasts forever,
we're just not that sort
Things fall down around here,
everything breaks a part
sometimes I think we'll make it,
but that's just a writers heart."

Poem #Back

Sitting once more,
within these four walls
Head in my hands
because I can't stand the anguish
I feel inside, cannot abide
the reality.

Half way to the wall,
to be dragged back inside
a kicking screaming bundle
of half hopes and told you so's
just leave me alone
I have gone back now
to several years ago.

C word #2

It wasn't nothing.
It was something. Something dark and dangerous. I feel so detached, as if viewing a stranger handling the situation from behind a glass pane. If this was one of my own, if I had any feeling what so ever I would know exactly how I would react, what I would say, the action I would take. But thank God it's not one of my own. My dear ones are fine and I feel guilty for the relief I feel because it's not one of them.

I feel like I am a bad person because of the way I am reacting to this news. The way I am feeling.

I cannot help what I think.

The fact is, things are changing, and I cannot abide change like this.

Someone has Cancer and everything is going to change.

Wednesday, 8 June 2016

Bonsai. Contact List. Pidgin

I have the best friend in the world.

As Elizabeth Bennet said: “There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well."

I love very few people. I tolerate most people with a throbbing headache and a fury against the world. So I have chosen my dear ones with care. I have, I hope, focussed enough attention and consideration into nurturing these bonds to keep them strong. I love my best friend Pidgin. She is my only female friend, (non-relative) and that is because she's the only friend I chose to keep. I let others drift away or quite literally pushed them away, frankly because I don't want them. But Pidgin, I care about. Our friendship is much like a slow growing bonsai tree. It takes time and care to establish, it then requires very little pruning to maintain but it must be respected and treated with care. Our friendship is strong as a hundred year old Oak, but fun, easy and simple like a potted plant.  The miniature tree. The Bonsai.

I can be so honest with Pidgin. I am so relieved this evening to have been able to unburden all this drama of the past weekend and confusion and annoyance and just breathe.

I don't want Pidgin to leave again. But I'm so proud of how brave she is in going to new places and doing what she wants and facing walls and finding a way to climb over them. I'm not like that. I wish I could be, but I don't think I have it in myself. I always see the worst.

I sometimes think I would go crazy if I didn't have the right person to talk to. Jones is my rock but you can't always talk to a man the way you can talk to a girl. Sometimes men just cannot even pretend to be interested in what women have to say. This is when you need a friend. Simple.
But as I said, I choose my dear ones carefully. I don't want any more, I don't want random add-on's. I like who I like and if I let you in it's a big deal to me. I love my Pidgin. I have my person. I can't be best friend to anyone else. I am just not 'big' enough to handle it. This bond has grown over years and years, as with all my personal bonds.
I cannot magic a connection over a weekend and a 2 teas. I can't! I'm sorry.

There are no openings on the Miss Siviter close contact list.

Tuesday, 7 June 2016

Thoughts on new friends

I feel like I've met some really lovely people at work. I have fitted into my new job and genuinely feel at 'home' there. I hope it stays this way.

A few particular individuals are so caring and friendly I'm touched emotionally by the experience. I'm not usually a touchy-feely person, I'm not the agony aunt or the drama queen but I can appreciate that I have people who I am beginning to care about and that they possibly care for me too. In a work colleague/friend way. More than just people you have to 'put up' with all day. I enjoy the company 9-5.

It's nice.

Monday mornings still suck, and I still wish I was a billionaire. But for now, I am quite happy with the way things are going.

I like these people.