Sunday, 25 January 2015

Fudge from the snow

I have a steaming cup of tea and I'm sucking the lingering sweetness of fudge from my fingers after every creamy bite. Things are changing, our group is drifting as expected, I have too much troubling me already to worry myself over this, it's only the natural order of things after all. I do miss my friend, it seems strange that you can maintain a bond with someone who is four hundred miles away but drift from those who are less than five minutes from you in any direction. I guess that's proof for you...that some people are linked to us through time simply because 'it's meant to be'.

I hate to think of how much might be different in September, who may have chosen to forget, what choices will have been made, I do hope that good changes have happened by then though. I hope September will come and I'll be settled. It would be nice that in the eventuality of a full years changes we'll still be as close as ever and I will have some happy changes to report along with the difficult ones.

   I write this blog to put things into perspective, because too often I feel lost if not alone. But this fudge, it tastes like cream and butter, cocoa and vanilla, it also tastes like concern, support, friendship. Friendship that's miles away and half buried in the snow but as powerful as it can be. I needed this reminder. I love fudge, it's one of my favourite things in the world. I'm on my last piece, but it tastes like support and it's support I feel like I need. :-)

Brick Wall

  I feel as if I'm banging my head against a brick wall, thumping my fists into the brick and blood from my split knuckles is starting to glisten on the cracks and crumbs of the burgundy rectangles. All this effort isn't making a door appear in the wall, the ground beneath is too hard to dig through, the wall itself is too high and too long to either climb over or walk around.
   In this world right now, there's just me and this wall. I can't see the grass on the other side, but I know that there's no grass on my side. Nothing grows here, it tries, but then it withers and dies. Because although I watch the sky turn from black to blue to black again I never see the sun, the wall is so high it blocks the sun like a constant cloud. But I wont settle. I will get through this wall. Watch me, and I will get through this.

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Trials and Outcomes

When I started work as a waitress I hated it. Down to the core, every shift, I want to leave-hated it. During the first week I got upset before the start of a shift, no one knew, because as I state often: I hate crying, I don't cry in public, I deal with emotional things alone. I went into the toilets and had a bit of a cry and then pulled myself together asap. As I wiped any makeup remains from my eyes in the mirror I remember quite clearly looking at myself and inside my head I said: It's not forever, this is just temporary, I will stick at this, I'll give it a year. I can do that. If I still hate it after a year I will quit.

At the time, I was cripplingly shy, I struggled to keep eye contact, I very nearly hated socialising, and I couldn't hold up a conversation with most people. People don't describe someone as quiet and confident in the same sentence. In my first job I was forced into a customer service role I felt lost in, I had to be the bubbliest, friendliest, most approachable person I could. I needed to serve and serve well, I didn't just hand out plates, I handed out myself. My smile, my enthusiasm, my passion to please. It was all a lie, to begin with. To get through, I told myself in a rather childish way, that this was another game I used to play when I was little. I was pretending, make believing that I was confident and great. I pretended I was an actress, and this was a part to play. Eventually it stopped being an act, it became true, I became the person I was pretending to be.

Today I am still that person, yes I left after a year, but I stuck it out for as long as I said I would. I made friends and I became a stronger, bigger, better person. Someone I liked and respected. The point that I am getting at is: I never stopped hating the job, the heat, the work, the late hours, the everything! But I had a brilliant team of people, cute guys to learn how to flirt a little with (something I'd never ventured to try before) I had certain things I enjoyed, a systematic structure to every shift and I like routine. Even though I fantasied about the day I would leave, even though I had to remind myself it wasn't forever and that eventually I would finish here and never ever go back, the experience there changed me forever. That part of my life was a struggle at the time, and at the time I didn't appreciate everything it was doing to build my character but now I am deeply thankful.

So now when I have trial after trial, and what seems to be spirit crushing, life destroying, soul splitting...I have to look in the mirror again.
This 'ordeal' will not last forever, I will get through this and come out the other side a better version of myself.
Most of the events I class as 'trials' in my life, have all been the biggest events/areas of my life so far. I haven't enjoyed any of them 80%. I'd say I tolerated them and happiness rated at 20% but I want more than that. My Mr Jones is my 100% my 100andEverythingElse%. The girls are my 100% My hobby, and my dreams.
Everything else is really struggling.
I feel as if it's trial after trial after trial...when are the 'wow what a great time of my life' things going to turn up? I know I have something others aren't lucky enough to have, my boyfriend and my family mean everything to me, they've become everything to me the last two years. But I can't balance my miserable-happiness scale on morning-evening Monday-Friday=miserable and happiness only comes between the hours of 6:30-10, and weekends. I can't put up with Part-time happiness forever!!!!
I am going to fix this. I will stick at this new trial for as long as I have to, but I will fix this. I won't settle. I just know there's a bigger plan out there for me.

walking past the chip shop

Walking home hungry and annoyed and not giving into temptation is an epic win on my part...
On the walk home are two chip shops, you reach a set of lights and the salt seems to be in the air like snowflakes, you can almost taste it on your lips which you catch between your teeth biting down on a wishful sigh. You inhale a deep breath taking the scent down to your stomach which gives a rebellious grumble of appreciation...then the fantasy starts: Rich, oily kebab meat strips d...ipped in curry sauce and wrapped around those golden, oh so glorious, deep fried potatoes. A pie, with dark gravy bursting from a crispy pastry top, and more chips. Salt and Vinegar galore. A hiss, as a can of coke cola steams into the air and the bubbles cascade over your tongue sending an immediate sugar rush to your head and fizzles inside your nose. The most perfect ten minutes, the most simple of pleasures.
And I walked past it all! I could shed a tear.

Monday, 19 January 2015

Life Objectives

Life Objectives:

Number One: Happiness
Number Two: Health
Number Three: Home

Areas of concentration: (* star indicates achieved, >> arrows indicate in progress)

  • Happy in love, (better than the best kind of relationship) *
  • Enjoyable Career
  • Friends *
  • Family *
  • Own Home
  • Children
  • Author recognition >>
  • Adventure/exploring (Bucket List) >>
  • Security (Savings, good locks and alarms)
  • Independence (Driving, income>>, Swimming)
  • Health (Keeping arthritis under wraps, fitness,fairly good diet) >>
  • Hobby (crafts topped up regularly, really need a sewing machine)
  • Home (warm, safe, with stuff that works)
  • Sex (never boring) *

Ignoring own instincts

I made a decision today. I've actually thought of little else for a while now without confiding in anyone, but now I have officially made up my mind.

You see, I've said it before, I didn't want to go to university, I didn't even want to study English.

There are memorable moments in my short history that stick out so brightly as if printed on glossy new paper in an un-opened book. I wanted to study Art, for a start. I'd already chosen my course of choice, and then an authoritative figure in my life at the time persuaded me, almost with brut force to change to something more 'suitable'.

A year and half later, I didn't want to go to University. I'd grown out of that passion to please in class, I'd stopped enjoying the academic society, I was not applying to university.

My social circle (who thought they were acting for the best, because university was the 'done' thing to do at this time, started hauling on the pressure), an overly controlling boyfriend, and every tutor I looked up to and respected, even those I didn't, wouldn't let the matter drop, they too hauled on the pressure. Even though I was looking into alternative plans, even though every instinct I had was screaming that this was the wrong choice for me, I applied.

I didn't want to stay. My first week I cried in the bus stop waiting to go home my hands trembling on my phone because I did not want to be here and I felt deep down that it wasn't right, and the voice on the other end was telling me to shut up and get on with it.

I got on with it, every last excruciating lecture, every assignment, every book. I trudged through, detesting this choice that had been made for me and to be honest feeling resentful about the whole thing. I knew I didn't want to be a teacher, I also knew that anything else was either out of reach or dying out. Yes I'd happily work in a library all day every day, but in a world where machines are replacing a quarter of us in the workplace, was this realistic? Yes I want to write, I want to publish, but my own work not someone else's. In a world where everyone thinks they have a best seller in them, how realistic are the dreams to be self sufficient on an income from book sales?

I finished university coming out with nothing I hadn't already gotten when I went in, only now I have a piece of cream card that says I'm in thousands of pounds of debt for a number on a page I see no worth in. My confidence, you might say, if you know me well...came from a waitressing job in a restaurant where I worked with some of the best people I've met, and some of the worst. My ability to stand up for myself, my resilience to critique, my bubbly bright personality all came from that job, not university. Friends? My friends are still the same people I knew at school and grew to love at college, the same circle of individuals who had nothing much in common but a high school history and the same table in a cafeteria. I only realised they were even MY friends when heartbroken and crushed they gathered around me, and stuck with me. University offered few friendships I could tolerate, in fact I count only five, and even so facebook friendship doesn't really count.

So I am resolute in my opinion. I knew the best option for myself and time and time again I ignored my own instincts. I shall not be so weak and easily persuaded again.

I've decided where I want to be, what I want to do and how I'm going to get there.
I know it wont happen by next week, but happen it will. I'll spend more money, more time, more hope, but if I succeed it will be worth it to be happy everyday. Yes it's probably competitive, but that means nothing anymore, when a handful of graduates can't even get a job as a part time cleaner, competitive becomes a word of little meaning. Everything is competitive, there's a market for everything especially employment, employment in general is the most competitive game to play. If I don't pursue this because it might be overly competitive I'm holding myself back on a feeble excuse. If my degree is wasted then so be it, it's not important to me! If people think I'm wasting myself then they don't know me. Because I've had it up to my eyeballs with people telling me what I am and what's best for me. I know what's best for myself. I know myself better than anybody! I know I'm not the brightest bulb in the box, I know I have my weaknesses but I also know where my strengths truly are. It's listening to people who think they know me that's gotten me here in the first place; Annoyed, resentful, wishing I could turn the clock back and in no better position or happier than the day I left school. I'm only 21, I have time. The one other person next to myself who knows me well enough is the one person I can guarantee will support whatever decisions I make, the ones I make on my own.

So that's it. I've gotten all that off my shoulders and now I feel much better. I will do this. I will make this happen. Life Objective Number One: Happiness.

425. Life Line.

So it's been 7 months, 7 Pencil skirt days, 6 Phone interviews, 3 un-paid work placements, 2 volunteer from home positions, 2 offers before changing their minds, a few tears, a few broken friendships and 425 applications later...
I've finally been thrown a life line, been pulled out of the water. I may have landed on a pirate ship, I might be about to embark on an even worse situation than the water proved to be, but at the moment I'm on the rope and being hauled up. Whatever happens when I'm on deck, I'll face it hands on.