Sunday, 21 August 2016

The Tower


So my Mr Jones has done it again. What he always does, what seems to be his instinct whenever my happiness is at stake. He rode in on his white horse, wearing his shining armour, and he saved the day. Jones is the hero of my story, and while he continues to light up new stars in the sky of my world he’ll never lose that title.

I couldn’t stay in Connie anymore, the little bubble that was my beloved sanctuary had burst, an invasion of my fortress left me bereft and confused. Jones fixed everything. He’s found us a new castle. A place we can set up home in more than one bedroom and a 6 foot by 3 kitchen. Here we have a Keep, with a kitchen big enough to dance in, with windows and stairs and a garden. I have a garden again. I have sunshine flooding my garden, painting it golden.

I have named this place The Tower. My tower. Ours. Just us, no one else. Just us in our new sanctuary. No shouting, no interruptions, no wreckage. Everything is just right, because we are right.

I’ve felt a tug on my heartstrings to leave Connie behind. The place where I got to know Jones, where I felt at home, where I could escape to, where we fell in love. It’s only a room and a 6by3 kitchen but, it was special to me. I will never forget the memories of that place. I look ahead now with an open mind, and a full heart, despite that my Tower is almost empty ha! We have spaces to fill, memories to make, a family to think about-not too far away.

We don’t have internet for a few weeks, I’m off the grid. Writing this up on my laptop to post on my blog at a later date. So Jones and myself are just here together, getting used to this new found home without any interruption from the outside world. We’re at peace.

I’m warm, I’m fed, everything works, and I’m safe.

The Tower: You mean a lot to me, and I will treat you well. Treat us well, and keep us happy and safe.


Tuesday, 2 August 2016

Connie. Memories Poem

Into the last memories of this place
we travel together, yet apart
for this room has never been
to you, what it is to me
a happy place, a sanctuary
and now we're soon to depart.
This place has swept me up
the first taste of home,
a sort of wonderful simplicity
only I have known,
here is where I found
what I never knew I'd lost
here is where I gave up my heart,
In this room I handed over my innocence
in this place we fell in love.
We've been at peace,
and been at war
everything of us, absorbed in these walls.
Connie has been a silver key
Connie has stolen a part of me
and now we move onto something new
But here in this place I became Me
because in this room I got to know You.





Monday, 25 July 2016

I'm stressed poem.

I'm stressed.
Pulled taut as a hairband ready to split.
The ability to shake this clutter of thoughts
has vanished with the broken promise to keep shut up.
Shut up were these wishes, in a cupboard where the door's now ajar.
Shut up I have been a time too often here
Within these four walls, where the mould and cold creeps in
not another winter, will I put myself through this.
A coiled spring, rusty with grief
pulled taut now
awaiting relief.



Friday, 8 July 2016

Unsettled

I've had something new on my mind all evening. It's sort of like a seed that's taken root but I'm refusing to water it, as if daring the plant to shrivel and die before it grows anything substantial.

I don't want to feel gleeful over something so difficult. But it's hard not to keep thinking about it. You can want something so badly that everything else seems insignificant and that one dream feels achievable. I just want to feel at peace. My peace has been destroyed so rapidly I'm waiting to wake up and feel normal again. Instead of walking across a tight rope of pent up emotions.

Things like this don't really feel achievable. I'm just kidding myself. Too nice an idea to be realistic. For so long these thoughts have been wispy dreams and I don't think they will ever happen overnight, or for quite some time unfortunately.

God, I'm so unsettled.

I've lost all motivation for anything right now.

Grace poem 08.07.16

Grace,
Are you there?
It's all falling down around me
just like you said it would
and I am sat here crazy
bottling it all up.
I can't feel you around me
because I don't feel myself
I've lost sense of so much
manuscripts stacked on a shelf.
The Pond has been gone so long
and I miss it, but I miss you even more
sometimes now I forget what it was like
when it was just us.

You know what we've been through
you remember how it feels
to be here all alone
amidst the cold, the fleas, the mould
feeling so cut off, lost in this world
born into a situation, out of our control.
I thought we'd be away by now
you and me and a pen
I fancied us on a train ride, rolling through England
feet in the sea, or a field somewhere.

I had it all worked out
even though plans changed
I knew you didn't like it,
but I did it all anyway.
Everything was just fine
but I remember what you said to me
You said "Give it Time.
It never lasts forever,
we're just not that sort
Things fall down around here,
everything breaks a part
sometimes I think we'll make it,
but that's just a writers heart."














Poem #Back

Sitting once more,
within these four walls
Head in my hands
because I can't stand the anguish
I feel inside, cannot abide
the reality.

Half way to the wall,
to be dragged back inside
a kicking screaming bundle
of half hopes and told you so's
just leave me alone
I have gone back now
to several years ago.


C word #2

It wasn't nothing.
It was something. Something dark and dangerous. I feel so detached, as if viewing a stranger handling the situation from behind a glass pane. If this was one of my own, if I had any feeling what so ever I would know exactly how I would react, what I would say, the action I would take. But thank God it's not one of my own. My dear ones are fine and I feel guilty for the relief I feel because it's not one of them.

I feel like I am a bad person because of the way I am reacting to this news. The way I am feeling.

I cannot help what I think.

The fact is, things are changing, and I cannot abide change like this.

Someone has Cancer and everything is going to change.