Wednesday, 27 August 2014

waiting room

As I walked back to Connie from the shop this evening I found myself deep in thought praying. If you won't send me a job at least send me a sign. Just point me in a direction. I think I'm hiding it quite well but I can feel a twist of anxiety the same way a girl will wring her wet hair out, getting tighter and tighter inside. I told myself I wouldn't worry this early on but I am. Jones is unbelievably supportive. In fact he's the only one who isn't getting on my back. I think I'm stressing because time is flying by faster than it's ever done before. If this was just another summer holiday it would be over next week. But it's not a holiday, its a stand-by period. Time is running past me and nothing is changing, nothing is happening. I feel a little bit like I'm in a waiting room holding my ticket but the receptionist calling the numbers out has lost and forgotten mine. How long am I going to sit here until someone notices me? I wish I was 19 again. 19 felt like a great age when I met Jones and my life started getting interesting but I was young enough to make mistakes and still had time to work out what was coming next. At 21 it's a completely different story. Just 2 years changes the outlook on life and the way people look at you. I feel very much under pressure. I know for certain that I do not want to reach 22 and still not have my own place to live. I will hate myself if that happens. Please God don't let that happen. I've done what I promised I would do when I was 11. I went to college, I went to Uni, I got a degree, I've almost published my first book...just give me the one thing I've wanted for the last ten years, I want to get out of these four walls. To do that I need a job. Come on. Just give me a break.


Scotland

I was more angered on Pidgin's behalf than relieved when we discovered that she cannot go to Africa. On the one hand I felt as if a mysterious being was interfering because I have been fretting inside over the upcoming absence for months, but I truly felt guilty to see her plans fall through the floorboards. After a hurried rush around it is settled that Scotland is to be the plan. Still eight months, still a long absence but at least she's in the UK. At least I can get there. I wasn't at all envious of a trip to Africa. Truth be told the whole thing sounded like a version of hell to me, but Scotland. I'd love to experience that. I am totally jealous of that and I fully intend to get myself up there at least for a weekend to see Pidgin and the highlands.

I'm just glad to report to my own thoughts that at least there's now one less thing for me to be worrying about. Scotland is not Africa, it's practically home. England's cousin. All will be well.

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Spoilt Rotten. New Laptop

So my blue H.P Laptop Harry Potter finally died. Gave up. Shut down. It had a good run with various repairs and it saw me through uni but now we've called it a day. Brilliantly though, the night my old machine tuckered out was the night my Mr Jones bought me a brand new shiny RED laptop!! A better one, a sexier one. One with separated keys and a smooth sleek touch pad and a slim light weight screen. For a piece of technology it's beautiful. Marking the end of an era. The old blue one was never my personal choice and all its connotations is for the trash, this new red one is like me, it's bright and vivid and as University ends and life in the real world starts I am kitted out with a wonderful new piece of equipment. :-) I am so spoilt. Not silver spoon in mouth spoilt but awesome Christmas day pile of presents, expensive treats and date night spoilt. Cinema to watch my movie spoilt. Cans of pop and making tea spoilt. I have a surprise for you spoilt. :-) I've become a gleeful naughty faced child when I read a message that says I have a surprise for you. And my hands clap together in over the top exaltation. Amazingly this gold and marble pedestal is wonderfully comfortable. :-) haha! I have no intention of climbing down any time soon, and after all I've been put up here so very nicely. :-)

I am so spoilt. :-) I love my new Laptop. Which incidentally I am writing on now. I'm not sure what to name it. I think I shall be very original and call it Red. Like Red riding hood and those erotic passages. Yes. Red it is. I love it. I love how easily it types. the keys are so beautifully spaced. I clickicty click with perfect ease. Ooo I am so spoilt.

Thursday, 7 August 2014

Kids

I love my nieces with a love like no other, sort of an unyielding adoration that nothing can tarnish. I love being fun and weird Aunt Sian but I often wonder will my own children one day love me the same as these girls do. I want my own little ones to think I'm fun and weird and enjoy my company. I've decided the first thing I'm going to do when I get a little money is to construct some sort of little presents for them. Trip to the pound shop it will be.

Damp Pillow

I approached that door with an ominous feeling not unfamiliar. I didn't even like that door, I'd never have chosen that glass. Blue for money they said, what money? What a hark! The unfinished attempt of a porch, left for more than ten years yet another example of the disinterested attitude that surrounds this place. Sometimes it's like there's a crushing weight pushing down on me every time the key turns in the lock. These four walls are the most oppressive thing in my life.

I waited until I scrambled into bed and pulled the covers up like a child before an overdue assault of suppressed emotion came gurgling up and I had a little cry. Not for long, just a few minutes of silent sobbing and deep ragged breaths while makeup remains trailed from my eyes. For the first time in a while I wasn't waiting for that text, my mind preoccupied. These four walls and the image of my twelve year old self. I can see her sitting there crying for much longer than I allow myself to now. Writing similar scribbles in a weathered notebook. Nothing really changes until we change it-Is that a quote? It feels like it should be. The tears brought on a headache, it's been quite a while since I've been overwhelmingly upset over these walls. Even though I scrubbed my face with a towel and tucked deeper into bed I still felt a few more quiet tears slide into my pillow and after five minutes had to turn it over to avoid the dampness.
I hate it here. I'd sell half my soul to be somewhere else and never have to come back.

Monday, 4 August 2014

Butterflies

After a year and a half and I still get nervous butterflies when I'm getting ready to see my boyfriend. Throwing on half a dozen outfits to get the right mood and debating if my underwear's suitably enticing just in case. I never imagined one person would make me feel like this so often and unconsciously doing so.

Book Cover paintings

Book Cover Paintings
My illustrations of my characters